Things I've Learned About Race While Being Married to a White Woman

The Decision was not Black & White

(when I refer to race - I mean "race as ethnicity", unless otherwise stated)

In July, it will be five years since I married my "good thing", God's favor to me, my wife Ronnie. Six years or so ago, around the time I was waiting for God to split the sky and in a loud voice (a mix between James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman) tell me to "marry Ronnie," I was surprised, as God's answer came through my mentor and Pastor at the time, in a similar baritone voice no less. The answer was that, you choose who you marry. Really? Is that how it works? As I reminisce further, a specific thought comes to mind, and it is the reason for, and mainstay of this blog post. In my decision to marry, I realize that in weighing the pros and cons, scrutinizing godly attributes, and determining negotiables and non-negotiables, my wife's hue was, delightfully, given little to no attention. I say delightfully out of a sense of accomplishment at the thought that our most noticeable difference, besides our gender, never made it into my thinking - a thinking that was conditioned to immediately recognize skin color, and at the speed of light, presuppositions, stereotypes and clichés, would fill my mind. I can still feel those nurtured dispositions about skin color jousting for superiority over my new mind, especially during our conversations involving race. Ultimately this thinking attempts to give credence to the notion of race as a biological construct - that Ronnie and I or Jared (my white American friend) and I for example, are ontologically different due to our skin color.

The compartmentalizing of mine and Ronnie's differences, I feel is the result of defining preferences and behavior between black and white people, and concluding that they are directly linked and solely attributed to skin color and not individuality, culture, heritage and/or upbringing. This fumbling of ethnic reconciliation for me was spurred on by the African Americans and some White American comedians on BET (Black Entertainment Television). The subtle juxtaposition of pokes at these differences, not only on the comedy stage, but throughout media/entertainment landed with thud, squarely on skin color, and rooted themselves deep within my reasoning. So in music, movies, food (Marmite yuk!), the insatiable need for adventure (Ronnie), and lack thereof (me), the utter amazement when I see Ronnie dance in rhythm, I feel myself fighting not to regurgitate some statement I've heard, that I've nurtured within me. It is because of these daily battles with myself, that I was prompted to share some of what I've learned being married to someone of the white persuasion - so that perhaps you may find some comfort in being able to relate and perhaps share with me some wisdom, or in God's kindness some refreshing experiences. So here goes!

Lesson #1 - Race Talks

Talking about race or subjects involving race is a sensitive endeavor, which despite our best attempts, will often times result in emotions becoming unbridled, and understandably so. History is so riddled with injustices against people of color, which serves as an unfortunate backdrop to conversations concerning blacks and whites. Conversations between Ronnie and I cannot escape these residual effects of history, which spill over into our marriage. I’ve learnt the value of fruitful conversation on any topic of race. A lot of my proclivities cultivated in pop-culture, were and are exposed in conversations with my wife. For example: “white people do this; black people don’t do this, that’s a white thing; not a black thing." Ronnie has shown herself to be sober in thought, challenging, yet tender when we converse about matters concerning or that include race. 

Undoubtedly, having a Christian  point of reference, serving as a filter through which to properly engage in these talks, has been invaluable, for both me and Ronnie. It has been our Lord's almost silence about race (in the sense of color) in the Scriptures, that resounds loudest in our ears and hearts - grounding our conversations in its truth. God's treatment (or lack thereof) of the categorizing of race, for me, stands as evidence to our falleness, and a clear contradiction of our culture's hyper sensitivity to highlight this distinction, and attribute variant treatment, as it relates to skin color. The Scriptures serve as evidence to our marred vision; and more importantly provide the proper lenses to correct that vision.  

And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place.... Acts 17:26

I've learned to make this truth the superior backdrop to our conversations!

Lesson #2 - Let Her Empathize

I've learnt to allow Ronnie to empathize. This isn't as odd of a revelation as you're perhaps thinking it is. See, I've observed in myself the propensity to want curb how Ronnie responds (emotionally speaking) as it pertains to what can or should be said when engaging sensitive matters concerning black people, for example: slavery. In this predetermined list of appropriate responses, Ronnie has perceived that empathy is often kept at bay, while outrage, sadness, even pity are all welcomed expressions of emotion. I have confirmed her perspective, both in myself, and other people of color I've heard speaking about race. The commonly delivered stiff-arm of "you cannot possibly understand; or do not presume to understand what I/we go through" is normal in racial conversations.

Evidently, there are differences that will not change: I am black; Ronnie is white. People with Ronnie's complexion, have committed horrific atrocities to people of my complexion throughout history. The difference is she didn't commit any of these atrocities, and these atrocities where not committed against me. We both stand on the precipice of history, hand in hand, peering into these realities (as do all of today's social pundits), trying to sort out how to live and properly engage with what we have inherited - and are certainly going through still today, though to a lesser extent. 

While I believe it is the responsibility of a race of people to educate others on how best to communicate and properly engage with the history of that people, I also believe that when we limit natural emotional responses like empathy (when genuinely expressed or attempted), we do more to impede the progression aimed at garnering allies of all colors in advancing towards understanding and healing. Also in tightening the grip on our hurts and scars, claiming them as ours and ours only, we strengthen the meme of segregation. What am I not saying? I'm not denying the reality that we have experiences unique to our own geo-social ethnical group. I'm also not saying that one should be dismissively empathetic - empathy that can be perceived as to summarily dismiss or minimize the severity or gravity of what a group of people have experienced or is currently experiencing. What I am saying is, for us who hold to the truth of Acts 17, any atrocities experienced by any group of people is all of our problem. I've learnt to let Ronnie share her emotions uninhibited; and I've disallowed skin color to prohibit her from at least attempting to empathize. In her eyes pain, struggle and hardship have no color.

Lesson #3 - Friendly Fire 

This lesson is probably the hardest to swallow. Most, if not all of us, are aware of the cultural stereotypes and colloquialisms that exist to describe mixed ethnicity couples (I'm speaking specifically consisting of black and white persons). I've even regurgitated a few: "she (a white woman) has jungle fever; he (a black man) is down with the swirl" etc. I know I just dated myself with those examples, but, whatever the lingo  is now, the implications are still the same - there's something wrong or at least odd with a black man being with a white woman or a white man being with a black woman. Most people just wont say it so openly. So it is hidden behind slang, I guess, in an attempt to hide the more serious implication or admission of their being racist. In the Cayman Islands there is a second layer that exacerbates a mixed ethnic couple's experience, and that's if one person of opposite pigmentation is an expat with the other being local; as there is, right now, an unspoken tension between locals and expatriates. Another layer in the Cayman Islands still to be discussed is that concerning light and dark skin Caymanians, but that is a discussion for another day.

The difficulty I face is the reality that the aforementioned "stereotypes and colloquialisms" and overall culture which I've been nurtured in, came from people who look like me - most of the looks of disdain, which have been aimed at Ronnie, have come from black women, these looks that can be interpreted as having a problem with her being with a black man. And then there is the disgustingly degrading school of thought amongst black men concerning the chastity of white women in comparison to black women. We all cringe at the stereotypes hurled at black people, yet we (black people) are hesitant to label thought's and behavior as those just mentioned as racism. Could it be that this thinking and behavior is marginalized even accepted, because it is compared in severity, however unwise, to that of slavery or any other atrocities linked to people of color, and found to be minute in comparison?

This is not meant to cast aspersions on one or two people groups namely Afro Caribbean or African American people, though I do not mean to let us off the hook either. For all ethnic groups at some point default to their own, for no other reason than it's what they know and all they care to, and if presented with anything different, especially that of a different skin color, they repel. I'm simply pointing out the sinfulness and hypocrisy of this sort of  thinking and the correction that is necessary, first in myself, and whatever color packaging it comes in. God has taught me through Ronnie the beauty of ethnic diversified love (I just made that up); and that racism doesn't just come in the color white.

Lesson #4 - A Progeny with No Color

I do believe that some of our biggest lessons are yet to come, and will come through the experiences of our two children Ezra and Israel. This is scary and intriguing - intriguing because I'm interested to see where our culture will be, when they're cognizant of the realities of ethnicities and scary because I'm aware of the ignorance that exists now and that they will undoubtedly encounter, the type of misguided thinking that will try to categorize them. And so, where will they fit? We've witness the discussions ad nauseam, in the barber shops, sports talk shows, etc. generated by Tiger Woods for example; Is he black? Is he Asian? Is he both? Examples, such as his, force us outside the comfort and ease of categorizing, and claiming. The truth is that we are not comfortable if there isn't a color category. I can feel my own discomfort as I'm writing. But there is a part of me that knows that this discomfort is isn't good; this discomfort isn't right. Raising "mixed heritage" (Ronnie's term) kids will be interesting to say the least. Ronnie, having been raised colorblind herself has taught me a lot, and has helped set a trajectory for how we will shape the minds of Ezra and Israel, preparing them for a world of color, God and His Word being the chief guides. She has helped also to insure that my digression at times into those once held misguided views, are met with contrary/sober ones. I'm thankful to Ronnie's parents John and Sheila Hart. May we be good imitators of their parenting on race issues.

Recess

I was aware of some of what I've mentioned before marrying Ronnie. It is those things and more that I've seen with more clarity as the light from our savior is refracted and intensified through the sanctification that comes through marriage. I've just realized something. I may have contradicted myself in the title of my post; I've learned what I've learned from Ronnie not so much because she's white, but because she's Ronnie, she just so happens to be white. Ahhh I'm still learning.................