Dude Looks Like a Lady: Female Sexual Liberalism, Marriage and AshleyMadison.com

Monogamy seems to be a widely accepted and harboured ideal for most. Which is a refreshing thought. It's also a surprising one, I'll explain why. I recently read in October issue of the GQ (Gentlemen Quarterly) Magazine an article by first time contributor Teddy Wayne, on the increasing number of women, married women, who occupy the cyber space of extra-marital dating sites. Yes, there is such a thing! The biggest provider of such services being AshleyMadison.com, named after the founder's two daughters, and who's slogan is "Life is Short. Have an Affair!" Catchy.... It is Mr. Wayne's observation through statistics provided by AshleyMadison.com and other sources, that there has been a cultural/gender shift in adulterous behavior, or at least a more noticeable one. The disdained cultural stigmas of, "papa was a rolling stone; men are cheaters; or the dirty old man (who enlist the company of younger women at the expense of a faithful wife and his children)" narratives, now find themselves on the sideline with their cousin narrative - "the suburban housewife, bored to tears, neglected by her always out of town on business husband, who falls into the arms of the charming and romantic other man." Culturally, the female narrative would often garner a type of empathy, as it is usually accompanied and/or proceeded by an aloofness or even infidelity on the husband's part vs. the male narrative with it's less complicated packaging of simply unbridled lust.

In this telling gender update, where Mr. Wayne interviews five women, married women, who are members of AshleyMadison.com, the question emerges, are more women assuming the role of the "rolling stone, wherever she lays her.....handbag is her home?" Mr. Wayne comments that as a symptom of "third-wave-feminist sexual liberation", which is accompanied by a more defined equality among genders in the professional ranks, it would seem so. Mr. Wayne asks:

"In the real world, with greater professional equality between the genders and third-wave-feminist sexual liberation, are women cheating for the same reason that men have throughout history, as Megan's (not her real name) profile suggests-that is, to sate (satisfy) their sex drives and gratify their egos?....... Are unfaithful women the new adulterous men? Has Casanova turned into.....Cassandra?"

To add, I question, should we be surprised? As one pastor put it - "in our culture today we are not raising women, we are raising men with the capability of giving birth." Is it surprising then, that in our day in age that women would also take on those less than endearing attributes, most associated with being, stereotypically, male behavior? Is it surprising, considering that third-wave-feminist, now posit that the over-sexed images, once seen as objectification of women in entertainment and media; now call those same images, empowering and liberating. What's more, further liberation is said to be achieved by eliminating "the potential shame and embarrassment associated with the consequences of sexual freedom..........and the false perception of immorality (Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future)"; sexuality for the female in this sense, is stripped of any virtuousness or chastity. No, we shouldn't be surprised, but we should lament for our women.

NNL (Numbers Never Lie)

Provided with the article were some staggering statistics, which added weight to the discussion, and create on-ramps to other realities to be considered. Here were some statistics:   

• 81.7% of Americans believe that an affair is "always wrong"; 62.7% of people who have had an affair believe that it is "always wrong." 

• 62.5% of people who classify their marriage as "very happy": 10% of those people have cheated.

• Most popular day last year (2012) to create a new account on AshleyMadison: June 18, the day after Father's Day.

• The second most popular day to create an account: May 14, the day after Mother's Day.

• Most common career field of male cheaters on AM(Ashley Madison): Finance

• Most common career field of female cheaters on AM(Ashley Madison): Education 

The truth is numbers, though they never lie, they often times, don't tell the whole truth, both in positive and negative contexts. But they do encourage a sense of urgency and accuracy to where efforts and prayers are to be focused. In this case marriage, where it is no secret the constant bombardment, both in how it is defined (see some my thoughts here) and its marginalized significance to society and culture.

Love, Sex and Marriage (In Pursuit of Happiness)

As you read through the interviews with these five women, more than anything, you get a glimpse into their thinking. You especially get a glimpse into what the logical conclusion would look like, if one, philosophically, adopted a feminist point of reference for sexuality. Here are some strands of thought most noticeable:

• Infidelity is the logical conclusion for unhappiness and sexual frustration. It is repeated, almost in chorus, by the women interviewed, that marriage is either "better" with infidelity mixed in and/or necessary to impede the slow sexual death their experiencing at the hands of their "unadventurous husbands"  - "I really consider it a favor to my husband. My marriage would be in shambles if I wasn't playing outside the marriage," says one woman. "There's still love that holds us together. But I don't believe any one person ever fulfills a person's needs," says another.

• For some women who climb the cooperate ladder, the entitlement doesn't stop at the CEO chair. There is a strong correlation made between  professional women "alpha women" as they're called, who feel a sense of entitlement to sexual freedom, without the fear of societal ridicule. A freedom they feel their male counterparts enjoy, even within the confines of marriage. Ted Wayne quotes Kate Bolick (All the Single Ladies article) - " When I've watched women cheat in their thirties, they're not necessarily unhappy with their husbands, but they're all alpha women, and they feel entitled to what they want."

•  Marriage is a necessary inconvenience. Four out of the five women interviewed, keep their affairs secret from their husbands. With seared consciences, the only guilt that could be mustered, wasn't applied to the act of infidelity, but the process leading up to it - " I don't feel guilt about the effect of the affair. I feel guilt about the circumstances-to see someone, I need to come up with an outright lie," said one woman. 

For these women, marriage is reduced to that which makes adultery necessary; and adultery as that which makes marriage bearable. 

  

Lessons 

What should Christians, Christian women especially, do with this? There are lessons to be learned:

First - We are more than our sexuality. Being made in the "image of God" (Genesis 1:27), means ontologically, we are more than a bundle of sexual desires, feelings and genitalia; we were made to worship in spirit and truth. And even our sexuality, a gift from God, is better expressed within the confines of marriage, tempered by self control, which is an acceptable form of worship unto God. 

Secondly - Freedom, doesn't mean: doing what we want, when we want, with whatever gender we want, as it is often portrayed. That is anarchy! Not freedom! Freedom exists, within certain set of moral perimeters, mainly to ensure that we ourselves or our individual happiness, do not become the point of reference for how we structure our reality. And for the Christian it is holiness, not happiness, that should be our main pursuit (1 Peter 1:15).

Thirdly - For Christian women, it is easy to become enamored with the the worlds perception of womanhood, even feminism. For to be a woman in today's world, Christian or otherwise, is to share in the struggles for equality, something to which the position of feminism seemingly speaks to the most. Feminism claimed branding rights to the attention brought to the disparity in financial compensation between men and women, who perform the same jobs (something that is still changing) and the strides in female education and right to vote; however there lies in feminism, philosophies and a mood that should act as a poison pill to the Christian woman. Male inferiority; abortion as a means of sexual liberation; blurred lines between genders are just some examples of agendas that all fit in the "lofty opinion(s) raised against the knowledge of God" category (2 Cor.10:5). For the Christian sisters it is my hope that your identity be firmly grafted and informed by what God says it is; and not what the world says you have to fight to make it.

Fourthly - My Christian brothers it is important to say at this point, that we should not shrink, or abdicate from our roles as leaders in our marriages, households and in our churches. Be diligent for false guilt can arise from your genuine concerns, for genuine female issues, debilitating us in our role as leaders. Let us (both males and females) not misconstrue the calling or topic of leadership (male) and submission (female) as having any union with a variance in value. Rather, as equal heirs we execute our roles in obedience to God, to the glory of God, and to our joy. As marriage ultimately represents Christ and His church, we men should lead our wives in such a way that makes to her, submission a joy and leadership a burden. Let us present to world at large an example of men, strong, loving, self-controlled and godly. 

Though, to be sensitive, I would hesitant to say that it is still a "man's world"; I do know for certain that it is still a fallen one, a reality AshleyMadison.com clearly demonstrates to us.